JOKEILOW GROUP

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Comment by mary recklein on November 26, 2009 at 8:02pm

Try watching some of these: Theyareno.wmv
http://www.milkandcookies.com/link/138148/detail/
COC.wmv
How_to_wake_up_the_girlfriend_.wmv
Guys_will_love_this_one_.wmv
http://www.jacquielawson.com/viewcard.asp?code+HY27482779
Banned song---President...wmv
http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v+69DSIRSO30
ftc-vi 26 {1}
Bobcat.wmv
instip_ani..gif
Dating_In...wmv
Been having no fun at all. holly fell and dislocated her shoulder. Hospitalized. Mike relapsed after seeing what's left of his car after hitting abridge abutment at 75 mph. Shouldn't have seen it. John got out of hospice but is reallllllllly grumpy. betty hasn't been evicted -----yet.

Comment by Jo Doyle on November 21, 2009 at 6:26am

Three Ladies in a Sauna

THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. 'THAT WAS MY PAGER,' SHE SAID.. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM...

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, 'THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.'

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW -TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.

THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.

THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID.........WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT....I'M GETTING A FAX!!

Comment by mary recklein on November 15, 2009 at 6:42pm

A woman went to her plastic surgeon. He told her of a new procedure. It's called the Knob. That means a small knob is placed at the top of her head and could be turned to tighten her skin to produce the effect of a face lift. Of course she wanted to do it.
After 15 yrs., she goes back to the plastic surgeon. "After all these years of the knob working perfectly, I have 2 annoying problems. 1) These bags under my eyes. The Dr. looked and said: "Those are NOT bags. Those are your breasts!!" Her reply? "Well, I guess I won't ask about the new goatee!"

Comment by mary recklein on November 15, 2009 at 6:33pm

A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible storm cause shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog survived with him. After searching, he knew he was stranded on a deserted island.

After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his animal companions to the beach every night to watch the sunsets. One night, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, a warm, gentle breeze and caused memories of romantic times long ago.
As they sat there, the sheep began looking better to the very lonely man. Soon, he leaned over and put an arm around the sheep. But, the ever protective sheepdog began to snarl. He kept at it until the arm was removed.
After that, the trips continued but no cuddling. A few weeks later, there was another wreck. The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi!!
That night, the lonely guy brought nancy to the beach. Again with the breeze, clouds and romantic ambiance. The guy started to get "feelings". He fought his urges but finally leaned over to Nancy. "I haven't had sex for at least 6 months."
Nancy batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.





he said: "Would you mind walking the dog???"

Comment by Laura Scott on October 15, 2009 at 9:22pm

What did 'Google' say to the computer virus?

"YOU MAKE ME SICK! GET OUT OF MY SITE!"

Comment by Laura Scott on October 11, 2009 at 4:29pm

Best of Rodney Dangerfield

A girl phoned me the other day and said .... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.

If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all

And we were poor too. Why if I wasn't born a boy.... I'd have nothing to play with.

During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

Its been a rough day. I got up this morning , put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

One day as I came home early from work ..... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said "Because you came home early."

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."

My mother had morning sickness -- after I was born

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Once when I was lost I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said "I don't know kid, there are only so many place they can hide.

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.

I went to see my doctor. I said "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect. "

I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

Comment by mary recklein on October 11, 2009 at 4:10pm

Red Skelton on marriage: twice a week we go to a nice restaurant for drinks, food and companiionship. She goes Tuesday and I go Friday.
We sleep in separate beds: she's in Cal. and I'm in texas.
I take wifey everywhere but she keeps finding her way back.
I asked her where she wants to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been for a long time." I showed her the kitchen.
We hold hands so she's not free to shop.
She has all the electric gadgets: toaster,blender,bread maker. There's so much in here I have no place to sit." I suggested the electric chair.
My wife said the car won't run due to water in the carburator. "How'd you manage that?" It's in the lake.
She got a mud pack and it looked good until the mud fell off.
She got mad when she chased the trash truck and asked "Am I too late?" "NO! Jump in."
remember: marriage is the #1 cause of divorce.
I married Miss Right but failed to note the 1st name is ALWAYS.
I don't talk to my wife for long periods. I hate to interrupt her and 1 of us has to know how to stop.
The last fight was all my fault. She says "What's on tv?" and I said "Dust."
A sorry state of affairs and all too true: A Somali immigrant arrives in Minneapolis. He stops the 1st person he sees on the street and says "Thank you Mr. American for letting me into this country, giving me housing, food stamps,free medical and education!" The guy says: "You're wrong. I'm Mexican." The next one he tries to talk to says: "I'm Vietnamese so don't thank me for sucha beautiful country." He tries again. This one says; " I'm fromthe Middle east. I'm no American." he finally spies a woman. "Are you American?" "No, I'm French!" he asks her: "Where are all the Americans?" looking at her watch she says "probably at work."

Did you ever get the email message to scroll down the page to see Santa's tush? Surprised how many do thinking they will see a porno pic but instead? It says: "For cryin' out loud! Act your age. There is no Santa."
New drugs for women: damnitol--take 2 and the world can go to hell for up to 8 hrs. Emptynestrogen: suppository that eleiminates meloncholy and lonliness by reminding yu of how awful they were as teens and how you couldn't wait for them to move out. St. Mommaswort: plant extract that treats depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to 2 days. Peptobimbo: Liquid silicone drink for single women. 2 caps swallowed before an evening out increases chest size, decreases intellect and prevents conception. Dumberol: used with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, result in liking blue grass music and flat bed trucks. Flipitor: Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off people. Menicillan: Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases the reisistance to lines like: "You make me want to be a better person." Buyagra: Injectable stimulant taken before shopping sprees. Jackasspirin: Relieves headache caused by loved ones who never remember bdays, annivs., phone #s, or toilet seats. Nagament: given to hubby or bfriends to give the same effect as nagging. Anti-talksident: spray carried to ward off those who bore you w/life stories in public places

Comment by mary recklein on October 11, 2009 at 3:42pm

Halloween nears and I have painting to do. So---- here's a bunch of stuff to hold someone's attention for party groups etc.

green check mark Nature_Lightening.pps...............wow

1) some guys are in the locker room at the club. A cell phone rings so this guy uses the hands free speaker phone setting and starts yapping away. Everyone stopped to listen in. "Hello" Hi honey are you at the club? "Yes." I'm at the mall and found this coat for only $1k. I need a new coat. Is it ok? "Sure. Why not." Babe, I stopped at the Mercedes showrrom and saw the new 2010s. I reallllllly liked the one for $65k. "OK. But for that much I want all the options." Oh! You are so good to me! There's 1 more thing. That house we saw is back on sale after their financing fell thru. They want $950 but I could offer $900k. What do you think? " Just offer the $900k and no more." Great! See you later. I love you! "Bye babe. Love you too." All the guys are staring at him. "What? Oh, whose phone is this anyway?"

2)Upon arriving home the hubby finds a sobbing wife at the door. She says "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning. I had to call multiple time before he finally answered the phone." The hubby leaves for the pharmacy. He wants an apology. The druggist doesn't let him get far before he starts defending himself. "Now wait just a minute. hear my side. The alarm didn't go off today so I was late getting up to get here.Without breakfast, I dashed out of the house and got to the car before it hit me I had locked myself out of the house and the car! Had to bust into my own house. Drove too fast and got a ticket. 3 blocks from here I hit broken glass and got a flat. Finally got to to find a crowd of wet people waiting for me to open. The phone has rung off all day. It's been busy and I haven't had a minute's peace. I broke a roll of coins open and they went everywhere. I'm on hands and knees after them but that phone's still ringing off the hook. Hit my head trying to get up. Staggered into a perfume display trying to see something besides stars. But that )*&^%#$#$ phone was still ringing. Broke 1/2 of all those glass bottles. I finally was able to grab the phone and it's your wife. Wants to know how to use a rectal thermometer. Believe me mister, all I did was tell her!!"

An observation from the peanut gallery: the sport of choice for the urban poor: basketball. for maintance: bowling. for front line workers: football. for supervisors: baseball. for middle management: tennis. for ceo's and miltary brass: golf. My observation is PC FREE: the higher you go in the corporate world: the smaller your balls become..

I went into the Chavez owned Citgo for $5 worth of gas. The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.

Comment by Julie Rath (UK) on October 8, 2009 at 12:48pm

A Chemist owner walks into his shop to find a man leaning against a wall.
He asks his assistant "What's with guy over there by the wall?"
The assistant says "He came in to get something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him the entire bottle of laxatives"
"You F****** idiot" replied the chemist, " You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives"
The assistant replied "Course you can, f****** look at him - he shit's scared to cough now!"

Comment by Julie Rath (UK) on October 4, 2009 at 3:42am

A 78 year old woman was stepping out of the bath and gets a pain in her chest. She thinks to herself I am having a heart attack until she realises that she was standing on her left tit!

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